How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
