You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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