i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
