history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
