what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Randomize
