Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
