my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
