I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
