If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
