Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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