OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
