I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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