I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have fence marks all over my body
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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