I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
