I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
