I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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