none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
