i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
