Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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