i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
