If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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