Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
