Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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