Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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