genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
