you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
