Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
