I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
