legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
ttyl tear gas
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
