Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
