is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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