eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
