Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
