I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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