Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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