WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
