We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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