I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
