i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
