I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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