He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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