She is in my trunk
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
