You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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