I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
