Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
