About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
