hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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