i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
