sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
