I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
