Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
