I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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