I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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