apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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