if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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