I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
