On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No subtext here. People are naked.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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