I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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