The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
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He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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