I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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